“Evil communications corrupt good manners” KJV 1 Corinthians 15:33

“Bad associations spoil useful habits.”  NWT 1 Corinthians 15:33

My present husband and I grew up in different religions and when we began to date I would make him say his version of 1 Corinthians 15:33 at the same time that I did.  And then I would crack up at the differences, which by the way is only funny to a geeky preacher’s kid.  One thing was definite our mothers taught us this scripture for the same reason and it was written across our hearts to the point that we could recite this scripture some 20 years later.

Abuse is an odd thing.  It is unnatural. Therefore, it is hard to explain how or why a woman or man would stay in a relationship that is so draining and time consuming.  Even more complex is why a teen gets into and stays usually into adulthood (if they make it that long).

Allot of it has to do with choice.  At the beginning of the relationship there were only two things presented to you “red flags” and “choices”.  Every abuse victim male or female can tell me the same thing.  They all remember the defining moment when they thought, “Nah…” but, they went against their better judgment and continued on that date. 

In honor of this being 2012 Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month- this one is for the teenagers.

Me at 17 years old with my beautiful family at my high school graduation.

I was seventeen years old and from a very good family when I met and fell hard for my abuser.  I was sheltered unknowingly but appreciative of the peace it had brought me.

The choice I made at seventeen years old to associate with a boy who claimed he had no family and was abandoned by his mother was a choice that still affects me 17 years later.  There are no short term abusive relationships.  Whether you get away physically or not- there are many aspects of the relationship that may follow not only you but your family for years.  In my case I married him at 20 years old (three years after we met) and mothered his son at 25 years old.  Now our son who was a witness to much violence is ten years old.  I thought of none of these things when I was only seventeen and wanted to help the abandoned boy with no family feel like he belonged.  There was no forethought because of my youthful ignorance.

Me at 25 years old
I am miles away from home
 pregnant with my son sitting in an abuse shelter in Georgia.

Here I am 28 years old-
I still pay for this beating daily it left my body  permanently damaged.

I don’t want to be long winded here because that’s what makes teenagers want to turn the volume down on parental lecturing right?  But, give me just a second to say this:  My dad would go “all ninja” on me every once in a while and would say things like, “Climbing vines and crawling vines do not go together…”  Now, as an adult myself I know what Pop was speaking was a fact, one vine by its simple design is going up and the other has to crawl on the ground.  This is what they are made to do.  It’s no one’s fault- the act of getting into an abusive relationship is like the climbing vine going down to the ground and saying to the crawling vine, “Hey hon’ let me help you up…”  The abuser won’t be able to be lifted up.  Because what has made him/ her an active abuser will take years to unravel and you as a teen are ill equipped to be his/ her counselor  You are from two different worlds – most of the time there is a deviation of morals, values, and sometimes class.  You cannot save them from their abusive selves by making yourselves a punching bag or an overly used sexual object.  You will never succeed at making an unhappy person happy.  This is also fact.

I will end right here.  Believe in yourself.  Always know that the red flags are there to help you stay away from harm, they show up before mom and dad do.  Never be ashamed to make mistakes- we all have.  Be brave enough to walk away.  And, always know that you are worth love.  And, Love is God and God is love.  Love Doesn’t Hurt.  

Check out: http://blog.loveisrespect.org/ 

Love, 

@FreeShayla on Twitter.

I dedicate this to you beloved son and friend... the heartbeat of my family.  We love you and miss you.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. 
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? 
Actually, who are you not to be? 
You are a child of God. 
Your playing small doesn't serve the world. 
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so 
that other people won't feel insecure around you. 
We are all meant to shine, as children do. 
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. 
It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. 
And as we let our own light shine, 
we unconsciously give other 
people permission to do the same. 
As we are liberated from our own fear, 
our presence automatically liberates others." 

^^ Authored and published by Marianne Williamson ^^ 

Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles 
by 
Marianne Williamson 

Keep Your Light Shining!

(F.)H.I.M.

Fear Humiliation Intimidation Manipulation

H.I.M. made me fear my own shadow.
H.I.M. made me intimidated by the weight of his blows.
H.I.M. got spiritual blows
H.I.M. even got the physical
H.I.M. drag me down to hell
when he met me in my heaven
for H.I.M. this was typical
But, today- today is different... I feel... well... Free.
Free to be what Jah has made me
I woke up this morning and realized I'm better without (F)H.I.M.

I made my breakfast and it taste better without (F)H.I.M.

Got in my car yeah better without (F)H.I.M.

Looked in the rearview
 so that I could see you
and it was nice not seeing (F)H.I.M.

My day goes by in time without (F)H.I.M.

Tic toc on my clock

No rush to get home to hear (F)H.I.M.

My heart beats steady now

no sense in my soul to fear (F)H.I.M.

Honestly...

I thought it would be hard to go to sleep without (F).H.I.M.

and it was...

but, when the sleep comes it feels right

20/20

My spiritual eyes have sight.

Oh yes, I have embraced the S.H.E. in me:

S.TRONG

H.APPY  

E.NLIGHTENED
No longer letting another control the ME in me.

Written by FreeShayla

1/11/11

Cheers to the New Year!

Thanks for all of your support and love throughout 2010!

"You marry at the level of your self-esteem..."

*SELF–noun
1. a person or thing referred to with respect to complete individuality: one's own self.
2. a person's nature, character, etc.: his better self.
3. personal interest.
4. Philosophy .
a. the ego; that which knows, remembers, desires, suffers, etc., as contrasted with that known, remembered, etc.
b. the uniting principle, as a soul, underlying all subjective experience.

*ESTEEM–verb (used with object)
1. to regard highly or favorably; regard with respect or admiration: I esteem him for his honesty.
2. to consider as of a certain value or of a certain type; regard: I esteem it worthless.
3. Obsolete . to set a value on; appraise.
*ESTEEM –noun
4. favorable opinion or judgment; respect or regard: to hold a person in esteem.
*Cite: dictionary.com


Early yesterday I posted a public service announcement regarding marriage.  Later, the same day I took some time out to watch the Marie Osmond interview on Oprah.  While I sat taking in her story of losing her dear son to suicide my heart broke for so many reasons.  One it has been rumored that she was in an abusive marriage and that it took its toll on her children, with great specificity towards this son. 

I am never sure of what is true or speculation when it comes to blogs and magazine articles.  You already know my stance on abuse and what toll it takes on boys (in my case- because that is what I had - a son).  For all the years since I have been watching him like a hawk making sure that he is fully developing like other children and that he doesn't have residual effects of the abusive experience.  Of course, to be terribly honest with you he did show signs of distress over the years... but, Jah has blessed me to help him through every tunnel that has been presented.  My greatest fear is the day that my help doesn't work.  Many young ones go through ferocious depressions due to their childhood experiences.

I felt like I was in such pain watching Marie because I know how many nights as mothers we worry for our little ones even when we don't live in an abusive home, but, when you do... it's a crushing pain that follows you, because you blame yourself (allot) for ever having your child/children around abusive partners. 

Because I don’t know what really happened in her relationship with her ex-husband I will pause and say this last thing- although she did not answer yes or no when Oprah asked if she was physically abused.  Her lack of answering was the answer.  She was deliberate and thoughtful in her answer.  Her last statements on her marriage will stick with me for the rest of my life, she smiled when she said she was just "tired" when she entered her second marriage, and she felt that, that was not the way to enter a marriage.  But, the most powerful statement on the subject is the thing that will stay with me forever and I will pass it along to my daughter and nieces because I have lived it and know it like I know the blood in my veins:  "You marry at the level of your self-esteem, make sure you have self worth."  -Marie Osmond quote

I will end on that note!

p.s. When you decide to stay in relationships that are devaluing to your self-concept, self-esteem, or since of self (and  yes, I have said essentially the same thing three ways to get the point across) it will have HUGE ramifications on not only you but your children.  When the abuser is telling you how worthless you are he essentially is telling your children that same thing via you.  Long pause and a final sigh. 

Wedding Day Blues

Please scroll to the bottom and push pause on my jukebox before playing this clip.
It's so powerful.  Please share this.
Short commentary:  I find it infuriating that a man that is supposed honor and protect his wife and family- as in he took this pledge to do so... gets less time in jail and maybe not prosecuted at all if he is to do worse than the stranger on the street that harms a woman and a child.  I never will understand it.  Afterall, shouldn't there be more of an adverse communal response to the degenerate man who defames his Queen.

Is this mic on?  Check 1...2...
FreeShayla

When all else fails call on Mary!

This songs lyrics were so special I had to share them on my blog.  I hope you enjoy!
Love and Blessings,

FreeShayla
p.s.  To hear the song scroll to the bottom and push pause on my jukebox- then jam!


Each Tear Lyrics


There's something that I want to say,
But I feel I don't know how.
Until I just can't hold it one more day,
So I think I let it out.


You're on my mind more than I may show
You're in my heart more than you may know
And the last thing that I want,
Is for you to fall apart.
You're future will be clearer,
I want you to remember.


In each tear
there's a lesson, (there's a lesson)
Makes you wiser than before (wiser)
Makes you stronger than you know (stronger)
In each tear (each tear)
Brings you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what you're meant to be...


We can't change the things,
That we done, that's in our past.
But fighting won't get us anywhere,
So if you want, then here's my hand...


Every night there is one thing I do
I bow my head and I pray for you (pray for you)
And the last thing that I want (that I want)
Is for you to fall apart
you're future will be clearer
I want you to remember


In each tear
there's a lesson, (there's a lesson)
Makes you wiser than before (wiser)
Makes you stronger than you know (stronger)
In each tear (each tear)
Brings you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what you're meant to be


You're much more than a struggle that you go through
You're not defined by your pain, so let it go...
You're not a victim, you're more like a winner
And you're not in defeat, you're more like a queen


In each tear
there's a lesson,
Makes you wiser than before (wiser)
Makes you stronger than you know (stronger than you know)
In each tear ( in each tear)
Brings you closer to your dreams
No mistake, no heartbreak
Can take away what you're meant to be...

Dear Little Sister,

Seasons

You have to see this relationship as seasons.

This is the one we call winter (the seasons when he wins her)

You haven't realized that he is cold or even that he is bitter...

Before you know it he will make you FALL...

this season is the one that confuses you most of all.

He blows you this way and he blows you that

the color of you changes with every slap.

There is a moment my little sister that you will feel unrest...

This I promise you is best...

Listen to your own heart when it says your in the wrong place

This season is called Spring... when you escape that place.

This season is my favorite because knowledge comes with it

If your wise you will never return to the other seasons.

After all they are over and now it's Summer (Some her)

the season you warm and rise and fully become her...

the her you want be that is hot, and fine...

the her you want to be who is warm at night.

The cold is gone and you no longer fall

you have sprang into step and my sister that's all.

All you need to know so that you don't think time stands still...

to all of us there is a season and you can change them at will.

I love you,

Ecclesiastes 3:1

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven..."
One day your testimony will move many... trust your heart.

Good Morning Beautiful!

Good Morning Beautiful!

I woke up this morning and there was this certain color the sun cast through my house. Mind you the blinds were still closed. A golden colored glow the kind that makes you feel warmer just for being in the room. So, there I was just me. I was about to feed my new baby – I am four months pregnant a coke and a chocolate doughnut. LOL! Bad I know. I really do know. But, my husband won’t buy me a coke and for goodness sakes I am only asking for three per week. So like a child myself I snuck to the doughnut shop and I grabbed this horrible snack and I feel like I deserved it. HAHAHA!

When I entered my home delighted with my secret doughnut Coca-Cola run I felt more than warmth, my memory took me there. I said allowed, “This moment feels so familiar”. Nobody to answer me with agreement, I spoke only to my own soul. My mind reminded me of why it was a familiar moment. It reminded me of those early FREEDOM days. When I would wake nonetheless in this house, with my lover saying, “Good Morning Beautiful” in my ear, on my neck, on my back… he second guessed going to work ALLOT in the beginning. LOL! I was his muse the reason he smiled (again). I’d feign sleep so he would leave me alone… and smile so hard I would almost laugh under the covers that I had smashed against my face to make him think I ferociously wanted my sleep and gave him my shoulder only… in return he kissed that and wished the bony little thing a “good morning beautiful… have a nice day.” I couldn’t wait until he left not because I didn’t love him. Because, I had no idea what kind of love this was. I had not seen it or heard it or felt it. When everyone would leave… I would quietly go down stairs to eat who knows what and see that same “golden colored glow” throwing itself through the blinds. I felt free. Often times I smiled more when my lover was gone because I had no idea of what to do when he would stare at my face the way he did. I felt happy playing with his things, smelling his clothes, and wishing for us.

Funny, I think of all the reasons I became an advocate. So many reasons I started to give my testimony of abuse… and one of the largest was because I realized too many women have not awaken to sunlight in so long. They forgot that the sun was even in the sky. I do remember those days. Everything seemed well, murky… almost grey. This is one thing I will promise you… one day after it’s all over (and I know you don’t believe this yet) you will wake up and the sun will shine right across your sheets and you will remember that I told you. Feel free to comment and tell me “You told me so”. Because, this is so true, don’t stay anywhere where you cannot spread your beautiful wings. This is to men and women. Your life is so purposeful and beautiful and it’s nice to dance in the rain… but, it’s just as nice to prop your feet up and feel the love from the sun.

Have a peaceful day,

Press pause on my jukebox and have fun with this link!
(Artist: Jill Scott
Song: Golden
Album: Beautifully Human: Words & Sounds 2
Lyrics:



I'm taking my freedom
pulling it off the shelf
puttin' it on my chain
wearing it 'round my neck
I'm taking my freedom
puttin' it in my car
wherever i choose to go
It will take me far
[Chorus]
I'm living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
(golden)
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
(golden)
I'm taking my own freedom
puttin' it in my song
singing loud and strong
proving all day long
I'm takin' my freedom
puttin' it in my stroll
I'll be hop-steppin' y'all
lettin' the joy unfold
[Chorus]
I'm living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
(golden)
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
(golden)
I'm holdin' on to my freedom
'Can take it from me
I was born in-to it, it comes naturally
I'm strumming my own freedom
playing the god in me
representing his glory
hope he's proud of me...
[Chorus]
I'm living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
(golden)
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
living my life like it's golden
(golden)
hope he's proud of me...
living my life like it's
golden, golden, golden,
golden, golden, golden,
living my life like it's
golden, golden, golden,
golden, golden, golden,
living my life like it's
golden, golden, golden.....

Summer School

Alrighty then let's begin,

Hmmm... sometimes I would like to be silent about things yet, they get under my skin and the only healer is to speak. So, here we go, the topic of the day is Chris Brown. Whew! I said it. Just saying his name stopped me from having to pop a Benadryl. 

Ready?  Let’s Go! Lights dim, a silhouette of MJ is up on stage, but, that’s not Michael, this cat is a little thicker, wait is that who I think it is? http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1642473/20100627/brown__chris__18_.jhtml The only man I know that can move like that is Chris Brown, but, would they? They did. Leave it to BET. Speed ahead Chris begins to cry and there my pregnant behind went crying too. One of those big heaving cries, I should interject that I can cry over a Puffs tissue commercial right about now.  So don’t think I’m going soft- its hormones only.  Regardless, of my baby hormones I am going to write to free my own mind – my blog my way!  First with a pure heart and all jokes aside it was not long ago that I had tweeted something to the affect of "mothers who are in abusive homes this could be your son..." I went on to explain that mothers may not only be messing up their children’s childhood presently but possibly their futures. My ascertion is that this is what happened in Chris’ case.  Please don’t confuse what I am saying to mean that he is without guilt.  And, also don’t forget that I too was a mother who decided to stay for years before gaining courage to leave my abusive husband.  But, do know that there was a seed planted at one point and this seed grew to be who we see and judge as Chris Brown. 

I am empathetic to the statistics that have been around for years stating that children from domestic violence homes are most likely going to commit the same offenses they have seen with their young eyes. Not always but it has been documented that this has been a very prominent occurrence. The Chris Brown saga hits me close to home because I have been honest about my past and I am aware that it could easily be my son unraveling because of the seeds planted in him at such a young age. 

I watched BET as a mother, not as an abuse survivor. Some of you may say UNFAIR. Not necessarily. I believe in being balanced. Thinking with a mother's heart would actually change the world really. Maybe even a father’s heart... I think it was Russell Simmons (whom I look up to greatly) who had tweeted that he had sat with Chris and that he needs (in my own words) a second chance.  My gut reaction was maybe a tinge upset because Russell has two daughters and I could not imagine him going through the horror my father did watching all the bumps and bruises.

Yet, over reflection my original discontent over Russell’s peaceful statements is the real problem. This is type of mindset that holds us all down. To be continually angry at Chris Brown is to be angry at the little boy who screamed in horror and cried watching his mother being beaten and who was too small to do a thing about it. He too was and is a victim. 

I know you are thinking what just happened? Well, I just flipped the script… you have entered the Matrix.  Advocates have to be even minded - abuse is never okay- tolerance and teaching is the only way out.  Finger pointing is not going to help.  We must realize that the history of all these little boys hasn’t been pretty and you want them to paint beautiful masterpieces for you, when all they were handed was the pooh end of the stick. And, we wonder why it’s stinking in the room.

Why are we so angry?  Well, can I take a moment to talk to my sisters and brothers for a second? We as African American’s are good with making jokes and laughing off very serious topics, and boy, have we done that with this topic.  But, keep in mind that what makes us uncomfortable is when others are looking in our window and the note our dysfunction.  But, it is fact that 1 in 3 African American women are abused in their lifetime.  We as a people are faced with having to talk about the subject of domestic violence or abuse whether we are mad about it, tired of it, or want to change it. Abuse is now the crow that sits on our table that we are eating and sharing with our children, mixed with sweet potatoes and greens. We don't always have likeable topics to talk to our children about. Yet, this unsavory topic has trickled into our homes from grade school playgrounds and if we let it, it can be the key for us to unlock our doors of silence towards the of intimate partner abuse. Instead of joking and letting our children learn about abuse from their peers why don’t we take a note out of Russell Simmons book and act as the elders in our community need to do... stop the young ones, sit down with them, listen and impart wisdom. This is love. This is what is needed.

@FreeShayla on Twitter 

Bay Area Shelters!

Hello There:

I just had a moment remembering when I had no idea where to go after being abused.  And, you keep hearing people tell you that you need to leave the situation yet, you don't have the first idea of how to do so.  That's okay Beautiful, the fact is you have already realized that being abused is not the life you want to live, and that is the first step.  To help you out with the next one, I have posted a few shelters below within the Bay Area in California.  
If you need help with your area, you can contact me personally @ freeshayla@live.com  and I will do the homework for you.  


-Free


Santa Clara County Shelters


Asian Women’s Home

Emergency shelter for battered women and children in the county and greater Bay Area. Services include a 24-hour crisis line, individual and peer group counseling, support groups, and legal advocacy.

website: www.aaci.org

phone: 408-975-2739

Next Door Solutions (By the way THEY ARE AWESOME!)

This organization offers services including counseling and emergency shelter to individuals and their children in abusive relationships.

website: www.nextdoor.org

phone: 408-279-2962

La Isla Pacifica

La Isla is a battered women's shelter that is part of the comprehensive services provided by Community Solutions to Violence. Other services include a 24-hour rape crisis line, legal advocacy, support groups, batterer's intervention program, and supervised visitation.

website: www.communitysolutions.org

phone: 408-683-4118, 831-637-SAFE (7233)



Support Network for Battered Women

Provides a multitude of comprehensive services, including: a bilingual (English/Spanish) 24-hour crisis line, shelter, counseling, child therapy, legal assistance and advocacy.

website: www.snbw.org

phone: 800-572-2782



San Fransisco, Ca Shelters below:

Asian Women’s Shelter



AWS is a comprehensive shelter program in San Francisco that provides safety, food, shelter, advocacy, and other resources to assist women. They have an on-call pool of multilingual advocates to respond to the wide range of Asian languages spoken in the Bay Area.


website: www.sfaws.org


phone: 877-751-0880


La Casa de Las Madres


Offers emergency residential shelter to battered women and their children while providing counseling, and family-based services and referrals. All services are offered free-of-charge in English and Spanish.


website: www.lacasa.org


24-hour hotline: 877-503-1850, 415-503-1850


Counseling and support services: 415-503-0500


teen crisis line: 877-923-0700, 415-503-0501


Rosalie House


Provides emergency shelter, and safe and confidential services for abused women and their children.


website: www.rileycenter.org


phone: 415-255-0165

Here's a domestic violence hotline that can help you with resources:
If you need someone to talk to:  1-800-799-7233 (Safe)
                                         TTY:  1-800-787-3224